Much Ado About Stalking
by OneGrim
Summary: SLASH. Remus, Sirius, and Severus get all entangled and confused in this old-school comedy of errors.
1. Thursday

**WARNING: This fic contains both some m/m slash and some truly atrocious plot devices. Read at your own peril. Flame if you like.**  
(Oh, and one more thing: I really want the boys to be pretty old here, maybe seventeen... But I don't want Severus despising Remus just yet. So let's say that this is an AU where the shrieking shack incident doesn't occur until the final year. If this doesn't work for you, then they're fifteen, OK?)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: DAY ONE**   
  
  
  
  
  
**11:37 AM: The Potions Classroom**  
  
  
"Look, guys!" Sirius whispered feverishly. "Snape's staring our way again!"  
  
Four pairs of eyes rose and gazed off to the right, only to see Snape stirring his potion as innocently as any Slytherin could reasonably manage. And, so, four pairs of eyes turned back towards their own cauldrons, carefully avoiding Sirius' gaze.  
  
"Calm down, Sirius," James muttered, "or your potion will boil over. Why don't you follow Snape's example and stir it?"  
  
"He WAS staring at us, I tell you," Sirius growled.  
  
"Maybe it's because he's noticed you watching him all the time," Lily suggested gently.  
  
"He WAS staring at us," Sirius repeated, "with an odd, hungry glint in his eye."  
  
"Hungry?" Peter piped up. "Well, it has been a while since breakfast... Perhaps he's thinking about lunch. I wonder, " he continued dreamily, "what today's pudding will be..."  
  
"It wasn't THAT kind of hunger," Sirius interrupted. "It was a strange, dark twisted, desperate desire. As I've told you before, and will tell you again until time proves me right: he wants Lily, the pervert!"  
  
There was a moment of silence, marred only by the bubbling of potions.  
  
"You might want to rephrase that, Sirius," Remus suggested, moving to place a restraining hand on James' shoulder. But then James spoke up himself, each of his words a small miracle of cold politeness.  
  
"Sirius, old friend," he said, "are you calling ME a pervert?"  
  
"What?" Sirius finally abandoned his Snape-watching and turned towards James, in some confusion. "Ah... Of course not, you idiot. There's nothing wrong with wanting Lily as such, any sane man would... I mean," he continued quickly, "that he is a pervert not because he likes her, which demonstrates surprisingly good taste, but because he spies on her from afar... Although I now seem to remember that you used to... Oh, never, mind," he concluded, avoiding Lily's sudden quizzical look. "Snape's just a pervert, take my word for it, OK?"  
  
Everyone was silenced by this show of eloquence, which was just as well as Professor Toedlicher-Schnapps picked that very moment to come over and examine their potions.  
  
  
  
  
  
**6:21 PM: The Dining Hall**  
  
  
"Aha!" Sirius exclaimed over dinner. "There he goes again. And this time you can't claim his odd look is due to hunger, not when he's just eaten four chicken drumsticks."  
  
"Maybe he's just shocked to see that you're monitoring his food intake," Lily suggested.  
  
"Or perhaps," added Remus, "he's just shocked that you're spying on him using a small mirror concealed behind your mashed potatoes."  
  
"It's not a mirror, it's just my knife," Sirius muttered indignantly.  
  
"Oh, so it is," James noticed, moving closer. "That, of course, makes all the difference. We must apologize -- we see now that your behaviour is perfectly normal."  
  
"Oh, forget the insults, just look at Snape," Sirius breathed, adjusting his potatoes.  
  
James leaned in closer still. "Wait a moment," he muttered, eyeing the knife. "You're right. He is looking strange -- stranger than usual. Covetous, even." With those words, he sat up with a sudden jerk to stare at Snape outright. There was a challenging gleam in his eye, and he tossed his head as if displaying a powerful set of antlers.  
  
"Oh, stop it," Lily said, shrugging off the proprietary arm he'd placed around her shoulders. "I doubt it's anything to do with me, and even if it is, please, just leave him alone."  
  
"Yes, do leave him alone," Remus seconded. "Snape's many problems are his own business."  
  
"We may leave him alone, but he won't go away," Sirius shook his head sadly. "I know him -- he'll keep his passion hidden in his heart for years to come, and take it out on your children, and your children's children, and your children's..."  
  
"Your potatoes are getting cold, Sirius," Remus pointed out with a gentle smile. "Eat them."  
  
"Unless you don't want them anymore?" Peter asked hopefully.  
  
  
  
  
  
**8:02 PM: The Marauders' Bedroom**  
  
  
"Wait a moment," Sirius muttered suddenly. "I think I hear a sound at the window."  
  
James bristled at the interruption, for he had been entertaining the other three with tales of Quidditch. He gave Sirius a deeply sceptical look, as if his friend had declared that the earth was flat, or that pranks were tedious and immature. He was just preparing to say something equally sceptical when he heard it too -- a subtle scraping sound, coming from the largest window.  
  
They all heard it then. Peter's eyes grew round as gum-balls, and only a well-timed nudge from Sirius prevented him from making a sound. The four boys exchanged rapid looks. James, without a moment's hesitation, launched back into his pointless Quidditch story. Remus yawned and stretched and, with a single graceful gesture, swept the Marauders' Map under a nearby bed and flicked his wand into his hand. And Peter and Sirius started to inch towards the offending window.  
  
Two seconds later, Remus waved his wand and the window opened.  
  
Outwards, of course.  
  
And so the subtle scraping sound was quickly replaced by a thud, followed by a grunt which turned into a scream, followed by a loud crash. It sounded as though something reasonably heavy had fallen down into the bushes below the Tower.   
"I should have remembered that the window opens outwards," Remus sighed, looking at his wand with a slight guilty twitch.  
  
"Oh, it doesn't matter," Sirius was hanging half way out the window. "I saw who it was - and it was Snape!"  
  
"Oh, come on, Sirius," James rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, Sirius is right," Peter nodded. "It WAS Snape -- I saw his nose by the light of the waning moon. He was on a ladder," he continued excitedly, "and he fell backwards. All his robes were flapping: he looked rather like a stricken owl."  
  
"Is he badly hurt?" Remus, worried, walked over to the window.  
  
"Unfortunately, no," Sirius replied. "He's run away. But, well, HAH! to you all. I told you he was spying on us."  
  
"Ye-es," James nodded, "He must be. But I thought you said he was spying on Lily? In that case why was he HERE? I'd say he was hoping to overhear our plans, but surely he couldn't have hoped to hear anything through that closed window..."  
  
"Oh, it all makes perfect sense," Sirius explained, "He was hoping to catch a glimpse of Lily making out with you!"  
  
"But, surely," Remus frowned, "if he's really after Lily, then that very sight would drive him mad with jealousy."  
  
"Not necessarily. I told you he was a pervert." Sirius crossed his arms as if he'd just proved his case.  
  
"No, it still makes no sense," James shook his head. "Lily hardly ever comes up here, and if he saw anything at all he must have known she wouldn't be coming up tonight, what with you guys sitting around half naked and all these crumpled candy wrappers everywhere."  
  
"Snape has never made any sense," was Sirius' final statement on the subject.  
  
  
  
  
  
**9:53 PM: Gryffindor Boys' Showers**  
  
  
"James," Sirius yelled over the noise of running water, "Isn't it just me, or does this mirror look strange?"  
  
"What mirror?" James asked, turning off the shower and throwing a lion-emblazoned towel around his boyish hips. "Oh, that mirror? I don't think I've ever noticed a mirror in the showers before, but it looks pretty normal... except," he paused for a moment, his eyebrows rising in shock.  
  
"Except for that odd fuzziness around the edges," Sirius finished for him. "Looks just like a Spy-Mirror, doesn't it?"  
  
"So it does!" James exclaimed. "How lucky for us that you're so, um, familiar with them. But I take it this isn't one of yours?"  
  
"Of course not!" Sirius barked out. "And I bet I know just who it belongs to! That pervert! Cover it, quick!" And, with those words, he ripped off James' towel in an excited frenzy, and tossed it over the mirror.  
  
"Hey!" James protested. "I'm naked, here!"  
  
"All the more reason to cover the mirror," Sirius replied with impeccable logic. "Do you realize what this means?"  
  
"Two things," James replied, "One: if this mirror really belongs to Snape, then he is NOT spying on Lily after all. And two: you owe me a towel."  
  
But Sirius' thoughts were soaring far above concerns as petty as towels. "The question remains: what IS Snape up to? Is he, perhaps, spying for Voldemort?"  
  
"What does the nudity of Gryffindor men have to do with Voldemort?"  
  
"He might be trying to discover our hidden weaknesses," Sirius muttered darkly.  
  
"Oh, yes, very likely. Anyway," James argued, "It's not like your body is a well-guarded secret. You've streaked Hogwarts what, six times now?"  
  
"You're right," Sirius nodded, his dark eyebrows drawn close together. "I was starting to think that perhaps someone was spying on YOU in order to evaluate your Quidditch form, but then even you are well-known for your skinny-dipping."  
  
"Everyone swims in the lake now and then," James shrugged with a blush.  
  
"Ye-es," Sirius mused. "No! Not everyone!" he exclaimed suddenly. "It's all starting to make sense now, can't you see?" he yelled, grabbing James by the shoulders. "Remus doesn't! He's spying on Remus! I should have seen it! He's hiding his scar, and he's always less attentive when Remus isn't around, I've been keeping track, and he wants to see the scar, he wants to figure out the secret, typical Slytherin, but, hah, we've got HIS secret now!"  
  
James just stared, digesting all those pronouns. Eventually, he gave up.  
  
"But Remus and Snape seem to get on fine," he interjected. "In fact, they're working on that DADA project together tonight."  
  
"They are?" Sirius asked suspiciously, stepping back. "Where?"  
  
"In that unused classroom on the ground floor."  
  
"Oh, that unused classroom," Sirius sighed with a smile. "A very useful place, that unused classroom. I could tell you stories..."  
  
"You have."  
  
"But wait a moment..." Sirius' brow darkened again. "The unused classroom... Could it be that I have been wrong? Could it be that Snape has dishonourable designs - on Remus?"  
  
"I'm afraid, Sirius," James announced with mock earnestness, "that I just can't keep up with your theories anymore."  
  
But Sirius was gone. He'd run off, yelling something about needing to check up on Remus.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:09 PM: Outside An Unused Classroom**  
  
  
"Be quiet, Peter," Sirius hissed. "Stop fidgeting."  
  
Peter smiled apologetically. The window of the unused classroom was overgrown with dry brambles, which had a tendency to creak whenever he shifted his weight; and he had to shift often, as a pile of dry brambles does not make for the most comfortable seat. In all, he was starting to regret having joined Sirius in this little adventure.  
  
"I can see Snape," he whispered. "But where's Remus?"  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Can't see him either. He might be obscured by that cupboard. In fact, I believe he is: Snape seems to be saying something to someone."  
  
They both stared hard through the brambles. Snape, standing in the middle of the room, didn't seem to be so much saying something as stating something with his body language. He stood there, tall and proud, every inch a follower of Salazar Slytherin. His face bore a haughty, challenging look.  
  
Then, suddenly, he shrugged off his robes.  
  
"Urk," said Sirius.  
  
Snape tossed his clothes off to the side, and stretched slightly, one hand running down his own side as if offering all he represented to the person concealed by the cupboard. There was tension in his shoulders now, and his expression had changed: his eyes were now sad, uncertain.  
  
"S-sirius," Peter choked out, "s-see that thong?"  
  
Sirius did see the thong, which looked like green snakeskin and revealed far more than it hid. He also saw Snape's lithe body, taut with some inner tension. He'd watched his enemy pretty closely throughout his life, and especially during the last few weeks, and he was suddenly aware that this was the body he'd watched: he remembered how each bone and muscle had moved, even hidden within those Slytherin robes.  
  
It was as if he'd been suddenly shown the solution to some puzzle, and then realized that this was the very puzzle he'd been trying to solve. Even that odd look in Snape's eyes seemed to answer some question he'd always neglected to ask.  
  
"Hey, Sirius," Peter's voice cut into his thoughts. "You're fidgeting, now... and the branches are shaking, it's really pretty loud."  
  
"Um, damn brambles and nettles," Sirius murmured under his breath. He HAD been fidgeting quite badly, he realized, but not because of the local flora. The thing was, his clothes had suddenly become a bit uncomfortable. Constraining, in places.  
  
With an effort, Sirius tore his mind away from his... clothes and forced himself to focus more on Remus, trying to decide exactly what his friend was doing behind that damn cupboard. He tried to picture Remus standing there -- standing there and responding, somehow, to the invitation in Snape's eyes. Unable to help himself, he considered, briefly, the idea of his friend's familiar body tangled with this familiar alien body before him.  
  
At that image, his own flesh seemed to buzz, and his mind boiled over, much like his Potions cauldron had done just that morning.  
  
"Alohomora!" he yelled, and jumped through the now-open window, crashing in a heap right beside Snape.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:34 PM: Inside An Unused Classroom**  
  
  
Snape moved back slightly, and gasped in surprise, his empty fingers moving slightly, grasping at a wand that wasn't there. Still, wand-less as he was, he did not run. He stood his ground and stared.  
  
Sirius met his stare briefly, and threw a sharp look off to the side, to judge Remus' reaction -- but Remus did not react, for Remus was not in the room. The cupboard had concealed a simple mirror.  
  
"Um?" Sirius muttered, looking from Snape to the mirror and then back again to Snape, standing there before him in all his arrogant glory.  
  
"Black!" Snape snarled at last. "Where on earth did YOU drop out of? Fallen off your broom again?"  
  
A mortal insult! Now there was something he could understand! Sirius lifted his wand. Still, a quick scan of his opponent's body confirmed that there was no place on his person where a wand might reasonably be concealed. There was certainly no space left in that thong... So, honourably, Sirius tossed his wand aside and leapt at his foe.  
  
The fight that followed was familiar in some ways -- the two had, after all, fought on many previous occasions. What was new was Snape's near-nudity, and the fact that Sirius had, in his hurry, failed to put on much beyond his robes. This should have made causing pain easier than usual, for both parties, but oddly enough neither took advantage of the situation. They just rolled and slid around on the floor, and made half-hearted attempts at mutual strangulation.  
  
All this went on far longer than it reasonably should have.  
  
Then, suddenly, the door opened, and Remus stepped into the room: one step, followed by another, and -- a while later -- a third. He stopped after that, and the pile of books in his arms slipped a little. Luckily, he caught it in time.  
  
The two boys on the floor froze as if in stop-motion. They looked at Remus. He looked at them. They looked at each other, and loosened their grip ever so slightly. Remus looked at the ceiling.  
  
"Um," he cleared his throat, his self-control reaching heroic proportions. "I'm going to step outside for," here he paused briefly to analyze the scene before him, "three minutes. Then, I'm going to come back in and look again, and actually think about what I've seen."  
  
The moment the door swung shut behind him, the combatants sprang apart, matching sneers on their faces.  
  
"When Remus returns," Sirius announced, moving back slowly and picking up his discarded wand, "I'd like to hear you explain why you were waiting for him wearing nothing but that perverted thong."  
  
"I was changing into clean robes, you cretin," Snape hissed. He picked up a fresh set off a chair, thus proving the truth of his words. "Perhaps, instead, you'd care to explain to your friend exactly how my 'perverted thong' provoked you to attack me."  
  
"You know exactly why I did it," Sirius growled. "Just stay away from Remus, you pervert."  
  
"'Stay away from Remus'?" Snape shook his head free of his robes and raised a sarcastic eyebrow. "So, it's like that, is it?"  
  
"Like what?" Sirius asked in sudden confusion.  
  
Then, just as he was starting to figure it out, Remus came back in, looking slightly less composed than before. His attempt to postpone thinking about what he'd glimpsed had not, apparently, succeeded.  
  
"I'd like to apologize," he said, quickly. "I think I might have over-reacted. I do realize that what the two of you get up to..." Here, his voice faded slightly, and a spasm of pain moved across his face as he continued, "that what the two of you do together is really none of my business."  
  
"It's not what you think," Sirius replied, quietly, unsure if he was speaking to Snape, or to Remus, or even to himself.  
  
"It was just a fight," Snape added, turning towards Remus, the sneer gone from both his face and his voice.  
  
"I see," Remus looked to Sirius for confirmation. He didn't receive it, for Sirius was too busy noticing that Snape's eyes were now, once again, full of that strange hunger he'd noticed so frequently over the last few weeks.  
  
"It's true!" Peter's voice broke the spell as he slid into the room with a clatter. "They were fighting over an insult. I saw everything!"  
  
"Um, I doubt THAT very much," Snape muttered quietly, tearing his eyes away from Remus at last. Ignoring the other boys, he picked up his discarded old robes. He then gave the mirror one last sad smirk, and pushed it towards the wall.  
  
"You'll have to forgive me, Remus," he said. "I think I'll retire and leave our meeting for another day. I'm sure you and your friends have plenty to discuss."   
  
"Certainly, Severus," Remus replied, running his hands through his hair in bewilderment as the door swung shut behind his study partner. "Well," he turned to Sirius and Peter, "I hate to admit it, but I'm still confused. Why were you fighting?"  
  
"It's because Snape is a pervert," Peter announced. "We think he was after you as well as Lily, or perhaps he was trying to set you up with Lily, or with Voldemort, we're not really sure."  
  
Remus blinked at that, and Sirius clutched at his head. "Argh," he murmured, "I think I need a drink."  
  
"I need food," Peter put in.  
  
"I need... Oh, I don't know what I need," was Remus' conclusion.  
  
And so, they picked up James and went off to raid the kitchens. None of them slept very well that night, though: perhaps it was all that rich food.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: Set in the world created (and owned) by J.K.Rowling. I do not expect to be paid in money, but in reviews. 


	2. Friday

**WARNING: This fic contains both some m/m slash and some truly atrocious plot devices. Read at your own peril. Flame if you like.**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: FRIDAY**   
  
  
  
  
  
**7:26 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room**  
  
  
"Um, Remus," Peter looked up from his homework, scratching his nose with a quill. "Would you mind reading through my Dragon Wars essay? I think I'm still a bit confused as to who ate whom..."  
  
"Not just now, Peter," Remus smiled apologetically. "I'm meeting Severus in a few minutes."  
  
"What, again?" Sirius sat up with a grimace.  
  
"But certainly," Remus leaned forward, carefully packing his books, "Why, were you planning to join us once more?"  
  
"No," Sirius muttered, "I'm just surprised that yesterday's scene didn't put him off."  
  
"It's hard to scare Snape," Peter announced sagely. "Remember, it's not like we haven't tried before. Like the time we put all those spiders in his cupboard, and he didn't even scream or anything."  
  
"No," James reminisced. "He just smiled and announced that Christmas must have come early for once. The problem with Snape," he explained, "is that he is insane. Not unlike yourself, Sirius," he pointed out helpfully. "Perhaps that's why you feel so strongly about him."  
  
"I do not," Sirius groaned. "I wish he'd go away. Why can't he just keep his abnormally large nose out of our business?"  
  
"Yes, his nose IS rather large, isn't it?" Lily cut in, struck by a sudden thought. "And, well, you know what they say," she giggled, avoiding James' eye. "Big nose, big..."  
  
"Lily!" James was shocked to his very core. Remus just blinked; Sirius groaned and hid his face with his hands. Peter, meanwhile, moved closer to Lily.  
  
"Big nose, big what?" he asked, his own ink-stained nose twitching quizzically.  
  
But Lily had caught sight of James' horrified expression, and was now lost in helpless, endless laughter.  
  
"Sirius?" Peter tried hopefully.  
  
Sirius groaned again, before rising and striding across the room to the fireplace. Once there, he struck a tragic pose.  
  
Remus made as if to follow. "I'm a little worried about Padfoot," he confessed to the others.  
  
"I know," James agreed, glad of any excuse to put the image Lily's words had conjured out of his mind. "All that paranoia, all that manic energy... where have they gone? He's been moping around like we've lost the Cup to Hufflepuff. What's wrong with him?"  
  
"I should think it's rather obvious." Lily announced, her giggles under control at last. She paused for a quick glance towards Sirius, who was now banging his head slowly on the mantel, still safely out of ear-shot. "He is jealous," she stated confidently. "Jealous of the time Snape has been spending with you, Remus."  
  
"Jealous?" Remus repeated quietly. "Yes, I'd thought of that, too. But surely," he continued, his voice weakening further, "Sirius realizes that I would never stand in his way."  
  
James gazed suspiciously at friend and girlfriend both. "Are you two speaking in code?"  
  
"Not the same code, apparently," Lily replied. "Remus, you can't possibly think... I mean, I do know that with Sirius around one should always expect the unexpected, but surely you can't believe that he is after Snape?"  
  
"Oh heavens no," James gasped. "It is true that Sirius has no taste -- the man does enjoy Hagrid's cooking -- but, really, Snape? That's taking it much too far. Snape's culinary equivalent would be, um... a bubotuber pie."  
  
"Not quite the way I'd put it," Lily muttered, "but the underlying sentiment rings true. No, Remus," she said in a low voice, turning to face him, "I do not believe that Sirius is jealous of you over Snape. In fact, I'd say it was just the opposite."  
  
"Ah," was all Remus could say as he stared off into space, his eyes widening.  
  
"Enough of this gossip," James announced. "Let's do something practical to try and snap him out of it. Perhaps we could replace his wand with a flobberworm... Or dare him to steal Dumbledore's underwear. Oh, give me half a chance," he responded to Lily's sceptical look. "These are just some preliminary ideas. If only you'd come up to my room for a few hours," he grinned teasingly, "I'm sure I could come up with something truly brilliant."  
  
"Asking me to be your muse IS fairly brilliant," Lily agreed. "I think I will go. Good evening, gentlemen."  
  
"Good evening," Remus replied vaguely. "I should be off myself, anyway."  
  
And, soon, the table was empty except for Peter, who was still staring off into space.  
  
"Big nose, big... feet?" he mumbled quietly to himself. "Big wand? No, that's not funny..."  
  
With a sigh, he turned back to his essay.  
  
  
  
  
  
**9:22 PM: An Abandoned Classroom**  
  
  
"I'm not sure that I'd call Cuthbert the Cyan a Dark wizard," Remus mused, looking up from his copy of 'Who's Who And How Evil Were They.'  
  
"I suppose you approve of all the time he wasted mucking about with his friends," Severus suggested archly. "Pity that they were all  
vampires."  
  
"He spent much of that time trying to invent a human blood substitute," Remus replied, "and that makes him a very light wizard, in my book."  
  
"Oh, but you forget that he was a Slytherin," Snape pointed out teasingly. "We all know all about those Slytherins."  
  
"Yes, dark wizards to a man," Remus looked down with a smile. "Almost as bad as the vampires. But don't you think it's rather misguided," he asked evenly, "to judge a man you've never met harshly just because he's a Slytherin -- or even a vampire?"  
  
"Certainly," Snape replied happily, leaning back in his chair. "We Slytherins are much misunderstood. And underrated. Are you aware," he asked, toying with his House scarf, "that most of the truly revolutionary magical advances have been made by our distinguished alumni?"  
  
Remus raised his eyebrows. Severus met his gaze, and held it while he expanded on his argument.  
  
"I like to think of it this way: while you Gryffindors run around, waving your large swords," he smiled briefly, and loosened his collar, "while the Ravenclaws get all excited over obscure texts, and while Hufflepuffs... do whatever it is they do, something involving grunting effort, no doubt -- we Slytherins move the world forward!"  
  
"By thinking up new ways to get ahead?" Remus suggested. "But at what cost?"  
  
"Granted," Severus agreed, "people HAVE often been killed, as a side effect -- or even as the intended effect -- of Slytherin experiments, but the progress they made has sometimes benefitted everyone. One might say," he grinned, "that our means have come to justify our ends."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes, smiling faintly.   
  
"Oh, come on, admit it," Severus urged, smirking into the other boy's eyes. "I do have a point."  
  
"Perhaps," Remus admitted, "but it's a very twisted one."  
  
Severus pulled off the scarf still twisted around his neck and looked at it intently. "You're right," he shrugged, "I'm not even sure that I buy it myself. I was just trying to come up with an argument that might help me to foster friendship between our two houses."  
  
"Is that what you're trying it do?" Remus asked quietly. "It sounds like you've set yourself a very difficult task."  
  
"Do you consider it impossible?" Severus sat up sharply.  
  
"Well... recent events would seem to suggest," Remus began, "that the rift runs deep. Just think of the fights after that last Quidditch match," he smiled faintly.  
  
"The effects of mob mentality," Snape waved a dismissive hand. "I do not hold out much hope for the behaviour of the masses -- even the massed members of my own House. The most I would hope for is friendship among... individuals," he finished, leaning forward, his eyes questioning and intense.  
  
"What, like us?" Remus smiled, broadly this time. "Oh, that's definitely possible. We're quite friendly already, wouldn't you say?"  
  
Nodding slowly, Severus smiled in return. Remus stared; he couldn't help it. Severus' sudden grin was quite unlike his usual knowing smirk, with its dark sarcastic undertones. It looked so heart-felt, so uncomplicated, that it transformed the boy's face into that of someone happy and young and accepting. Remus was reminded of Sirius -- and of James, and Peter, of the few people who had ever beamed at him like that. He couldn't help beaming back.  
  
The boys sat there for a moment, smiling eyes locked. Then, slowly, Severus' pupils, already wide with some strong emotion, expanded further. Moving with great care, he lifted one arm and slid it across the table until his fingertips just touched Remus' scarf.  
  
Sighing, he leaned forward, grabbed at the scarf and pulled.  
  
Remus sobered quickly, and the smile slid off his face, leaving behind no trace of expression. He did not move back; but he held himself so still that the tug failed to budge him at all. The scarf unwound, and came off in Severus' hand, and Remus still just stared, unreadable as ever.  
  
At last, he opened his mouth as if to speak.  
  
Severus interpreted this action in his own way. Moving swiftly now, he leaned further towards Remus and met his mouth in a kiss.  
  
Remus made a muffled sound and sank back in his chair a little: still, the back-rest held him up. His hands rose up slightly, but without purpose. Shocked, both by the unexpected action and the unfamiliar sensation, he floated, for a while, beyond all thought.  
  
Then, before he'd had time to recover, the door popped over with a creak. The two boys jumped apart, and turned quickly to face the new arrival.  
  
Strangely enough, it wasn't Sirius. It was a tall blonde girl wearing a frilly robe and a deliberately innocent expression.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt your... study group," she said brightly. "It's just that I think I've left something behind in here. You haven't seen a lilac bra around, have you?" With those words, she walked into the room and started poking about under the furniture.  
  
Remus looked over at Severus, who was now staring at an open book with a hawk-like intensity. "Severus," he asked mildly, "isn't that book upside down?"  
  
Severus flipped the book around, throwing a quick glare at the girl, who was whistling nonchalantly and showing no signs at all of imminent departure. He said nothing, perhaps not trusting his voice.  
  
"I think I'd better go," Remus decided. "We're done here... with the essay. I'll, er, see you around?" he asked dazedly, shouldering his bag and reaching down for his scarf.  
  
Severus nodded.  
  
  
  
  
  
**9:44 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room (again)**  
  
  
Peter had been working on his essay for a couple of hours, when, suddenly, his face turned red to the tips of his ears, and he started chortling.  
  
"What are you giggling about?" Sirius asked sullenly, slouching back in his seat.  
  
"I get it at last! I really do!" Peter announced. "Big nose, big..." he choked out, only to be reduced to helpless sniggers. "It's so funny because it's so true," he explained at last, wiping a tear from one half-closed eye.  
  
"Oh, shut up," Sirius muttered.  
  
"No, really," Peter continued. "I mean, you saw that thong..."  
  
"SHUT UP!" Sirius yelled.  
  
Peter cowered, a quill falling from his fingers.  
  
"Oh, sorry, Peter," Sirius sighed. "I've just realized something rather... bizarre... about myself." He reached down for the quill, dark hair flipping forward to conceal his face. "I don't know what to do," he admitted, carefully laying the implement back on the table.  
  
Peter blinked sympathetically. "I heard James say that you should do something practical," he offered.  
  
Sirius looked up at him. "That makes sense," he announced. "Although please, please don't tell him I said so," he added in an under-tone. Eyes flashing, he rose to his feet. "After all, I've always believed in DOING things," he announced, "consequences be damned!" And, with a final flourish, he left the room.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:01 PM: An Unused Classroom**  
  
  
Sirius opened the door to the unused classroom and peered in. The lights were all off, and a cold breeze was creeping in through an open window, carrying with it the odd dry bramble: all of this led him to deduce that there was no study session in progress at the moment. With a sigh, he leaned back against the door-frame. He looked up at the window, and then down the wall, where moonlight glittered across silver on the surface of a mirror.  
  
But that wasn't the only silver thing he saw. Beyond the mirror, he glimpsed a silver-striped scarf. A silver-and-green-striped scarf around the neck of a boy sitting on a bench in a cupboard's shadow.  
  
"You're alone, then," Sirius said.   
  
Even he himself cringed at the utter obviousness of this comment, and so he braced himself for a sneering insult. It never came -- and wasn't its absence as good as an invitation?  
  
So Sirius walked in, closing the door behind him and shutting out the flickering torches outside. The room grew obviously darker, and the two figures in it grew quite indistinct, until they could have been almost anybody. A strange mood settled over the place, as if nothing outside mattered and all dreams, even the most outlandish, were possible.  
  
"I do wish," Sirius spoke, and his voice sounded strange, alien even to his own ears, "that last night had turned out... quite differently. Mind if I join you?" he asked.  
  
"No, not at all," replied a hoarse whisper.  
  
"Always so formal," Sirius muttered, half to himself, as he sat down on the bench, half a foot away from the other boy. He said nothing further, just stared off into space, waiting for some signal: some insult, perhaps, that would force him to begin yet another wrestling match.  
  
A few moments passed, but there was no insult to be heard. All that he could hear was human breathing, fast and shallow. Excited, perhaps.  
  
He could take it no longer. He turned, and moved forward, and kissed the other boy.  
  
He had barely had time to notice -- and wonder at -- the lack of large-nose-related awkwardness, when he felt his partner respond, wildly and completely. Strong hands pulled his shoulders closer and dug into his back until their two bodies were meshed together as closely as their lips. Breathless, Sirius felt a shiver run the length of his body.  
  
It was only when he started tugging at the other boy's clothes that he realized something was wrong. The person he was kissing seemed entirely too familiar for comfort. There was something about the scent, the worn-out robes, and that sudden outburst of long-repressed passion that forced him to reach a surprising conclusion.  
  
"Remus!" he gasped, pulling away with some difficulty.  
  
"Sirius," Remus whispered in reply.  
  
Sirius held perfectly still, perhaps for the first time in his life. And, for the first time in his memory, his mind was blank, empty of ideas.  
  
"Um," he muttered. "I'm sorry about that."  
  
"No," Remus replied eagerly, "please don't be sorry..."  
  
"But I AM," Sirius insisted, "I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"There's no need to... oh," Remus faltered. Even in the darkness, he seemed suddenly much smaller. "Apology accepted," he whispered. "Although," he continued, his voice growing lighter, "your reaction to me is really nothing to apologize for. It's perfectly understandable that, when I lost control, you..."  
  
Sirius almost laughed. "Oh, Moony," he breathed, "is that what you thought? Surely you know me well enough to realize that I have never approved of this self-control obsession of yours!"  
  
"What's wrong, then?" Remus had leaned back, putting some space between the two boys.  
  
"Well, it's quite funny really," Sirius began, eager to share a joke with a friend. "When I came in here, I thought you were S... oh, bugger," he paused suddenly. "I thought you were, um, s-somewhat depressed, and I wanted to cheer you up," he suggested hopefully.  
  
"And you thought that a single kiss from you would be all it would take?" Remus asked, his voice almost back to normal.  
  
"It's a well known fact that a kiss from me would drive even a Dementor mad with joy," Sirius announced.  
  
"Bloody egomaniac," Remus groaned affectionately.   
  
Sirius relaxed. "So," he began, "what were you doing here all alone? I thought this was supposed to be a study meeting."  
  
"No, no, that's over," Remus sighed. "And we met somewhere else, anyway; I only came here to think."  
  
"Where did you meet?" Sirius asked, rather quickly.  
  
"The Abandoned Classroom... But why do you want to know?" Remus tensed slightly. "I hope that you didn't come here with mayhem in mind. I do assure you that, well... there is nothing going on between Severus and myself," he lied hopefully.  
  
"I know, I know," Sirius announced. "I have no clue where I got THAT ridiculous idea from: it must have been something I ate. I know full well that Snape is not after you."  
  
"Um, right," Remus said. "So, what do you want to do now?" he asked lightly.  
  
"I... have to take care of some business," Sirius replied cryptically. "But I'll see you in our room later," he concluded, sensing a certain expectant tension in the air.  
  
"Oh, good," Remus smiled in the darkness.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:33 PM: The Gryffindor Common Room (yet again)**  
  
  
"Oh, Remus, you're back," Peter jumped up in his seat. "I'm so glad to see you!" he announced.  
  
"I'm... glad to see you too, Peter," Remus slid into a chair, eyeing his friend suspiciously. The hopeful grin on Peter's face did nothing to dispel his doubts. "Peter," he began slowly, "you don't... I know it sounds absurd, but do you feel any... need... to, er, attack me in any way?"  
  
Peter gaped, fiddling with his essay. "No," he replied at last.   
  
"Oh, good." Remus exhaled. "I'm very glad to hear it. I was starting to fear I'd been Charmed or Cursed. So," he continued, "you haven't noticed anything unusual about my appearance, lately?"  
  
"No," Peter repeated. "Unless... unless you mean that Slytherin scarf you are wearing?"  
  
Remus pulled his scarf off and stared at it for a moment. "I must have picked it up by accident," he muttered, his mind running over the evening's events.  
  
"You should be careful, wearing that," Peter giggled, preparing to deliver a hilarious punchline. "Someone might mistake you for a Slytherin!"  
  
"You're right," Remus said, slowly. "Someone might even mistake me for Snape."  
  
Peter laughed. "You're brilliant at that deadpan humour stuff," he announced with admiration.  
  
"Thanks," Remus mumbled automatically, running his hand across his face.  
  
"So," Peter asked quickly, "would you read my essay now? Sirius said it was good -- well, he said it was good for lighting fires, but I think he meant it kindly..."  
  
"I'm sure he did," Remus interrupted. "He's often kind. It's just that sometimes his kindness is hard to take. I'm sorry, Peter," he said suddenly, "I can't stay here and read your essay tonight. If Sirius turns up... he might... tell him I'm studying, and will be out late."  
  
"It sounds like you're avoiding him," Peter announced suspiciously.  
  
Remus didn't meet his eye. "I think I'll just go and return this scarf," he mumbled vaguely, before stepping out of the door.  
  
Peter shrugged, and went off to dig up a cake his mum had sent him.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:33 PM: An Abandoned Classroom (again)**  
  
  
Sirius strode into the abandoned classroom. With some pleasure, he noted that it was well-lit, and that Severus Snape, reading at a central table, was immediately and unmistakably recognizable as himself.  
  
"Hello, Snape," he said.  
  
"Hello, Black, welcome," Snape replied sarcastically. "You know, for an abandoned classroom, this place certainly seems to get a lot of traffic."  
  
Sirius looked at the torches, burning so brightly, and decided that this was no time for subterfuge or stealth. "You know, I've got you all figured out," he announced.  
  
"Really?" Snape sneered. "That must be quite a new sensation for you. Are you sure your Bludger-pummeled brain is up to handling it?"  
  
"Yes," Sirius continued with an admirable single-mindedness. "You see, I've realized that you fancy me."  
  
Severus blinked, twice, and shook his head from side to side. "What?" he croaked, once he'd found his voice.  
  
"You fancy me. You want me badly. And that's why you've been stalking me," Sirius explained, smiling his most charming smile.  
  
Severus looked him over uncertainly, taking in his confident grin and his well-developed Quidditch player's physique. "I do assure you, Black," he replied, "that I do not... have not been stalking you."  
  
"Ri-ight," Sirius scoffed. "The ladder, the mirror, those dark stares were all just figments of my over-active imagination. Or perhaps you'd like to offer an alternative explanation?"  
  
"I do not care to offer you anything," Severus announced haughtily. "If you had a half-ounce of brain you'd figure it out for yourself."  
  
"Have it your own way, then," Sirius shrugged. "You have NOT been stalking me. The sun sets in the east. Voldemort is a curly-haired angel. And all that stuff. So," he paused to look Snape up and down in a searching yet appreciative way, "what about it?"  
  
"You're PROPOSITIONING me?" Severus asked, blinking again.  
  
"It seems like a good idea at the time," Sirius replied. "The time being right now."  
  
Severus stared at him. "Be ser... Use your brain, Black," he said at last. "It might seem like a good idea right now, but what about tomorrow? You could never live with yourself. I know I couldn't."  
  
"Perhaps you're right," Sirius shrugged. "No, wait," his face brightened, "what if we cast memory charms on each other afterwards?"  
  
Severus looked him over again, eyebrows raised in surprise. "I like the way your mind works, Black," he drawled. "I don't know if I like anything else about you," he countered, transferring his gaze to the floor. "But, again" he looked up again, "I do like the way your mind works. And there'd be a certain... symmetry to the arrangement that I find appealing. Let's do it!"  
  
Sirius smiled, and reached an arm up across his back. His head disappeared for a moment, concealed within a mess of robes, but in a moment the clothes were on the ground and the triumphant grin was back, accompanied by a reasonably impressive torso. He put his hands on his hips, flexing several muscles.  
  
Severus raised an eyebrow, and loosened his own robes. He shrugged, and the robes slid to the floor, mysteriously accompanied by most of his clothes. The green thong had been replaced by a pair of silver briefs, which shone in the torch-light as he stepped over the pile at his feet.  
  
Involuntarily, Sirius' gaze moved between the briefs and the nose above them. He shut his eyes briefly and cleared his throat. "Aren't you worried, though?" he asked.  
  
"Why? Getting cold feet, are you?" Severus sneered, moving towards him.  
  
"No," Sirius smirked, placing a possessive arm on the other boy's shoulder. "But they do say, you know," he continued insinuatingly, "that once you go Black you can never go back..."  
  
"Shut up, Black," Severus muttered, locking the door with a flick of his wand.   
  
And, indeed, nothing more was said for a little while.  
  
  
  
  
  
**11:17 PM: Outside An Abandoned Classroom**  
  
  
Remus' mind was far away as he reached for the doorknob, leaning into the door. When it failed to open, he stumbled forward a little, falling lightly against the frame.  
  
"I always knew you were a pervert, Snape."  
  
The words snapped him out of his reverie even before he'd registered that the door was locked. That voice, that laughing tone: both were eerily familiar. He jumped away.  
  
A few moments later, unable to help himself, he moved towards the keyhole. Looking through it was not immediately helpful -- all he could see was a wall -- and listening seemed little better. Then, just as he was beginning to relax, he found himself picking up on several little sounds. There were some thumps, some rustles, and some creaks, but it was the breathing that really caught his attention. Those little gasps and half-moans... He was suddenly reminded of the time he'd walked into his bedroom and surprised Lily and James. But these sounds were apparently being made by quite a different friend.  
  
Remus stood up unsteadily, tied the scarf around the doorknob, and walked away.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: Set in the world created (and owned) by J.K.Rowling. I do not expect to be paid in money, but in reviews. 


	3. Saturday

**WARNING: This fic contains both some m/m slash and some truly atrocious plot devices. Read at your own peril. Flame if you like.**  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**MUCH ADO ABOUT STALKING: SATURDAY**   
  
  
  
  
  
**9:30 AM: Gryffindor Boys' Dorm**  
  
  
Sirius woke to the sound of voices. For a moment he just lay there, wondering why his head felt so oddly empty; however, his attention was soon diverted by his stomach, which was emptier still. So, having never been one to patiently wait for his needs to be satisfied, he sat up and threw open his bed-curtains.  
  
In the harsh, sudden daylight he saw his friends, all fully awake and dressed: James by the mirror, desperately trying to tame his hair; Remus by his bed, straightening the pillows; and Peter by the door, bouncing up and down with impatience.  
  
"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, squinting at the threesome accusingly. "You guys were about to let me miss breakfast!"  
  
"Sorry," James shrugged, tossing his comb away in resignation. "We thought we'd better let you sleep it off."  
  
"I didn't!" Peter contradicted smugly, "I told them that food was more important than sleep!"  
  
"Damn right," Sirius announced, stumbling out of bed. "I could eat a dragon right now -- I don't remember ever feeling this hungry before, except perhaps after a lengthy Quidditch workout. Come to think of it," he grimaced, rubbing his back, "I do actually feel a bit like I've been on a lengthy broom ride."  
  
Remus looked up at that, blinked, and then suddenly decided that all his blankets needed re-folding.  
  
"Actually, Sirius, what WERE you up to last night?" James asked. "We need to know -- we made bets. Peter seemed convinced that you were out dueling with Snape, but I though that you were more likely out with a girl."  
  
"And Remus," Peter put in, "said that we were both wrong, but that at least I was approximately right."  
  
"I don't seem to remember," Sirius frowned, shaking out a crumpled shirt. "Perhaps I got drunk."  
  
"You certainly seemed dazed when you got in," James announced. "You climbed into my bed by mistake."  
  
Remus looked up again, then, throwing a quick glance at Sirius before resuming his obsessive attempts to perfect his hospital corners.  
  
Sirius, meanwhile, rubbed his forehead in confusion. "Into your bed?" he asked. "I don't remember that, either. But then I suppose it's the sort of traumatic experience one might choose to block out," he grinned.  
  
"So maybe that's why you got drunk, then," Peter suggested. "To forget James' bed."  
  
They all took a moment to fully digest this theory.   
  
"Have you ever heard the expression 'circular reasoning', Peter?" James asked at last.  
  
"Isn't it that thing you do in Arithmancy, when you draw all those circles?" Peter frowned in concentration.   
  
"Oh, never mind, Wormtail," Sirius said kindly. "No-one can think clearly on an empty stomach. Let's go down to the Hall," he suggested, moving towards the door.  
  
"Actually, would you guys mind if I didn't?" Remus asked suddenly, looking up from his bed, which had by that point achieved a Platonic ideal of geometric perfection. "I need to take a walk."  
  
His friends exchanged puzzled glances. "Your choice, Moony," James shrugged at last. "Just don't forget that we're visiting Hagrid at eleven."  
  
"No," Remus smiled. "See you outside the hut."  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:03 AM: A Secluded Glade**  
  
  
Remus sat down on the cold ground, his back against a tree, and looked up at the bare branches and the sky beyond. The previous night's events had changed nothing, here. The thought soothed him: and he sighed, wishing that his friends' familiar bickering could have the same effect. He respected Sirius' decision to ignore what had happened, and planned to act accordingly, but feelings were just so much harder to control than actions.  
  
Well, at least here in the woods he could just sit and be, and push all those freshly embarrassing and painful memories out of his mind. He relaxed, watching the swaying trees.  
  
"Good morning, Remus," Severus greeted him suddenly, stepping out from behind a thorny shrub.  
  
"Good morning," Remus replied, polite in spite of his irritation. "Well, this is quite a coincidence," he added with a small frown, unable to help himself.  
  
Severus hesitated for a moment. "Not really," he shrugged at last. "I saw you leave the castle, and... I thought I'd bring you some breakfast," he finished, sitting down on the cold ground beside Remus and holding out several well-buttered crumpets.  
  
"Thank you," Remus took the proferred pastries. "My favourite breakfast food brought to my favourite hiding place... I don't know what to say." He considered the crumpets for a moment, turning them slowly in his hands. It did not help: he saw nothing that might help him understand the obscure motives of Severus, this bizarre boy who could pursue him so patiently by day, and get it on with his best friend by night.  
  
Still, even if the crumpets could tell him nothing, perhaps their bearer could. "Severus," Remus spoke at last, "did you find your scarf?"  
  
"My scarf?" Severus' eyebrows shot up in surprise. "But you took that, didn't you? I had hoped you did; I'd like you to keep it," he grinned.  
  
"I tried to return it," Remus said carefully, "so I left it outside the Abandoned Classroom,"  
  
"Did you?" Severus asked innocently. "Why?"  
  
"I heard you two... I heard Sirius speaking to you inside," Remus admitted.  
  
"That's strange," Severus said, watching him intently. "I don't remember speaking to him last night at all. Are you sure he wasn't alone?"  
  
Remus looked up sharply. "He said your name," he explained.  
  
Severus met his gaze full on, eyes widening. "Bizarre," he muttered, "and worrying. Perhaps it was part of an incantation? I don't feel like I've been cursed, but..."  
  
"It didn't sound like a curse," Remus interrupted. "His tone was, er, quite friendly."  
  
"That seems unlikely..." Severus grimaced. "Unless... ah!" he stammered out, looking away suddenly.  
  
"Yes?" Remus asked, watching him with interest.  
  
"Well," Severus shrugged stiffly, "I don't know if you noticed... I know that I have... that your friend has been... watching me a bit closely, lately?"  
  
"Yes, he has," Remus nodded.  
  
"That kind of behaviour," Severus explained quietly, "tends to indicate the presence of some strong emotion. I myself... well, let us just say that I did not get up that ladder by your window by accident," he confessed.  
  
"You know, I never really believed your story of a Ladder-Extension spell gone wrong, Severus," Remus sighed. "But do go on."  
  
"I have also," Severus continued, his eyes fixed on the ground, "began to suspect that perhaps his... feelings... for me are, in fact, the opposite of what he so loudly claims." He shot a quick glance over at Remus, who remained intent and motionless. "Now, I don't expect you to understand this," he went on softly, "but I can tell you that under such... emotional... circumstances, spying can become quite a pleasant occupation."  
  
Remus blinked, and ran a hand through his hair. "Are you implying, Severus," he asked, "that Sirius was sitting alone in a secluded classroom, all hot and bothered because he was spying on you? What was he using? Omnioculars?"  
  
"A Spy Mirror, most likely," Severus explained. "Or perhaps just his own imagination."  
  
Remus considered this explanation. If he were to accept that nothing had taken place between his two friends, then at least Severus' behaviour would seem consistent. And those sounds he had heard... they were not incompatible with the theory: he could even accept that his over-wrought ears had magnified all those gasps somehow, letting him imagine a complex duet in the place of mundane solo practice.  
  
What still failed to make sense was the secret, solitary nature of Sirius' alleged actions. Padfoot was such an open, social animal... Remus tugged at his hair, and sighed in confusion.  
  
"Remus," Severus said quietly, "Everyone has the ability to confuse us, sometimes. Our friends included. I myself," he volunteered, "can't understand why Avery -- a friend of mine since we got Sorted -- dissects live cats for a hobby. It is loud, messy, and not even very educational. Not once you've done it a dozen times."  
  
"Um, no, it wouldn't be," Remus blinked distractedly. "Oh, at least Sirius is kind to animals... of all kinds," he muttered.  
  
"Stop thinking about him, for now," Severus suggested, placing a light hand on Remus' shoulder. "I know you are close to your friends, but, well... surely you can't expect the same three people to provide for all of your needs, not forever."  
  
Remus inhaled sharply. "No," he whispered, with a small, wry smile.  
  
"Your friends know this," Severus continued. "Look at Potter, who he has already found a girlfriend. And Black is, er, looking right now -- although perhaps in the wrong places. Do the same, Remus: try and let new people into your life. Or, at least," he smiled, "accept their crumpets."  
  
Remus' smile widened, and he took that last piece of advice to heart while he considered the rest. As he bit into a crumpet, toasted and buttered and perfectly delicious, his melancholy mood lifted.  
  
"Thank you," he said simply, when the crumpets were all gone.  
  
"Any time," Severus replied. "Here," he whispered, "you have some butter in your hair."  
  
Satisfying his hunger had reminded Remus that there was joy to be found in satisfying one's basic desires. He felt Severus touch his hair, and remembered the previous evening's kisses: the surprise, and the strangeness, and the pleasure -- and the passion he had felt with Sirius. Surely no-one else would cause the same: but wouldn't that be better?  
  
Curious, he took Severus' hand in his own, leaned forward, and kissed him.  
  
It wasn't the same, of course. There was, for once, no element of surprise, and the sensation was, at last, somewhat familiar. It was nice and warm and wet and slightly awkward, and he knew that it was so, for, to his relief, he could still think.  
  
Relieved, Remus pulled in closer to Severus, and the two boys fell down together onto the roots and half-dead grass. He smelt the earth, and also the spicy smell of obscure Potions ingredients that emanated from the other boy's robes. The ground beneath him was lumpy and uncomfortable, but somehow this did not matter. He sensed body heat warming his skin, and moving in until he was warm -- hot -- all the way through. And the heat was pleasure, and he wanted more, so he felt his body move of its own accord, pressing forward again and again in a rhythm he hadn't set.  
  
Realizing this, Remus almost screamed. Somehow, his control had slipped again!   
  
He tore himself away in a blind panic, crept back a little, and stood up. "I'm sorry," he panted, looking down at Severus' flushed, bewildered face. "I'm sorry, I can't... it's too much."  
  
Severus sat up, adjusting his robes. "It's fine, really," he said hoarsely, with a reassuring smile. "I respect you all the more for this. And we can go back to talking, if you like."  
  
"Yes. Talking," Remus said, straightening his own robes and hair. "No!" he remembered suddenly. "I... I have to meet my friends. We'll talk later," he promised, with a quick smile.  
  
Severus nodded, grinning his most heartfelt grin, and watched him leave. Left all alone, he continued smiling goofily: at the sky, at the trees, at a passing squirrel. Then, once this (rather worried) squirrel had departed, his eye fell on a small shrub covered with winter flowers.  
  
Severus reached over to pluck a flower, and sniffed it briefly. He then proceeded to pick off all its petals, one by one, muttering under his breath after each little act of destruction. The flower was a small one, so it didn't take him very long to get to the end; and, as he pulled off the final petal, his expression fell as if he had received unwelcome news.  
  
Still, soon he was reaching for a new flower, and starting the ritual all over again.  
  
  
  
  
  
**10:58 AM: Outside Hagrid's Hut**  
  
  
Remus ran into the other Marauders at the pre-arranged place and time. He was immediately seized upon by James.  
  
"I say, Remus," he began, in the highly British manner that characterized him whenever he was truly disturbed. "Do you happen know anything about old Padfoot's movements, last night? Only he himself doesn't seem to."  
  
"Well, he, er, visited me in the Unused Classroom around ten," Remus offered. "He didn't seem drunk then... or, at least, he didn't smell of alcohol."  
  
"Nope," Sirius announced. "Don't remember that at all. It IS a bit worrying," he admitted unwillingly. "My memory hasn't felt this blank since the last History Of Magic exam."  
  
Lily frowned, and stepped in front of him, wand in hand. "Let me see your eyes, Sirius," she asked. "Perhaps someone has been Charming you."  
  
Sirius' mood lightened as he met her green gaze. "You're doing a pretty good job right now, Lil," he grinned.  
  
"Down, Dog Juan, down!" James interrupted, looking irritated. "This is no joking matter."  
  
"No, it isn't," Lily agreed solemnly. "You know, I believe that someone has cast a Memory charm on Sirius."  
  
"Take him to Madame Pomfrey's," Remus croaked suddenly. The others turned towards him with curiosity: he stood there before them as if petrified, his back straight and unnaturally rigid. He had gone very pale in the last few moments, and his eyes flashed dangerously against his ashy cheeks.  
  
"What's the matter?" James asked.  
  
"Take him to Madame Pomfrey's," Remus repeated. "I have to go... there is something I must do."  
  
  
  
  
  
**11:13 AM: A Secluded Glade (again)**  
  
  
Severus hadn't gone far. He was still sitting in exactly the same spot, although there was something about his slumped posture that suggested recent disappointment.   
  
"Stupidbloodyflowers," he muttered under his breath, "Stupidevennumbersofpetals."  
  
Remus took this in as he paused at the edge of the glade, drawing his wand before stepping out into the clearing.  
  
"Severus," he said, "may I have a word?"  
  
Severus jumped and stood up abruptly, a sinister heap of mutilated flowers tumbling from his lap. "But of course, Remus," he replied, brushing off his robes with a vaguely embarrassed air.  
  
"I am going to ask you one question," Remus began coldly. "I hope that you will answer it honestly: I plan to find out the truth either way. Did you cast a Memory Charm on Sirius?"  
  
Severus stared at him for a moment, taking in his set expression, his rigid posture, and the wand in his hand. Various expressions flitted across his face: there was some surprise there, and longing, and cunning, and, in the end, resignation.  
  
"Yes," he said at last, shoulders slumping. "But then, he asked me to."  
  
Remus considered him solemnly. "And why would he do that?" he asked.  
  
"Because there was something he wanted to forget," Severus replied.  
  
Remus' wand arm twitched upwards. "And what was that?" he growled, his lips curling back as if in disgust.  
  
Severus gulped as he took in this expression, and the shiny sharp teeth it revealed. "Remus," he asked pleadingly, "what exactly are you accusing me of?"  
  
Remus just snarled, his wand now pointing at the other boy's throat.  
  
"I did him no harm," Severus said quickly. "Remus, I did your friend no harm. Ask him yourself, once the Charm is removed."  
  
"Why don't you," Remus snapped, biting off each word, "tell me now."  
  
"It was a deal we had made," Severus began carefully. "You yourself have acknowledged that he fancies me. Well, he propositioned me, last night. I accepted. But, as you know, we do not truly like each other, and we didn't want to deal with the, er, aftermath... So we agreed to erase our... time together with Memory Charms," he finished quickly and spread his hands in a beseeching gesture. "Remus, please believe me," he pleaded. "You heard us yourself. You know your friend. You must know that this is plausible."  
  
Remus' contorted face smoothed over as he considered this tale. "Plausible? Perhaps..." he mused quietly. "Yes, I accept that Sirius might have agreed to such a plan. And, since you're telling me this well-remembered story," he continued evenly, "I think I must also accept that you double-crossed him."  
  
"I didn't... not really!" Severus defended himself. "It's just that I cast the first spell, and, when I was done, he had no memory of the plan. In fact, I don't think he had any memory of having ever, ahem, come to terms with his feelings for me... he wasn't friendly. It was my fault, partially," he admitted. "I've never really studied Memory Charms, and I had to improvise a bit -- I might have overdone it. Look, Remus" he continued apologetically "I do feel foolish for having agreed to such a flawed plan, but I wasn't thinking very clearly. Your friend can be very persuasive."  
  
"So can you," Remus said quietly. "In fact, I almost believe you now, just as I used to believe that you wanted to be my friend."  
  
"But I still do!" Severus whispered. "Remus, can't you see that I did it for you! Oh, why can't you see that I, well... why can't you appreciate the r-romance of it all?"  
  
"The romance of what, exactly?" Remus asked calmly. "Of stalking me on ladders, of seducing my best friend, or of to casting dangerous experimental spells on him?"  
  
"All three," Severus explained rapidly. "When I stalked you, I sacrificed my dignity for you; when I, er, got close to your friend, I was trying to get closer to you; and when I Charmed him I wanted to protect you from finding out!"  
  
"You should have stuck to bringing me crumpets," Remus replied.   
  
"I'll bring you a dozen more if you like," Severus breathed. "I'll bring you anything you wish for... perhaps some Veritasserum, so that you can confirm my story?"  
  
"Oh, there's no need," Remus stated, suddenly lowering his wand. "I believe you."   
  
Severus exhaled with relief. "You do? Oh, thank you, Remus," he said, taking a step towards the other boy.  
  
"Do not touch me," Remus said flatly, stepping back. "Don't ever touch me again."  
  
Anger flared up in Severus' eyes. "You can't dismiss me like that. I've offered you so much."  
  
"Ah, but I want none of it," Remus replied, walking away.  
  
  
  
  
  
**12:09 PM: Outside Hagrid's Hut (again)**  
  
  
"Good for Hagrid!" James laughed the moment the cottage had swung shut behind him. "This new puppy of his will certainly make our midnight runs more interesting. I wonder what Padfoot will make of him?"  
  
"Why don't we go visit the Hospital wing?" Lily suggested. "We can see how Sirius is doing, and you can arouse his territorial instincts by telling him about cute little Fang."  
  
"No need!" Peter exclaimed, pointing towards the castle. "I think he's heard already!"  
  
James and Lily looked ahead, and saw that, indeed, a figure closely resembling their friend was racing towards them across the shrubby grounds. Bemused, the three friends watched as the sprinting figure moved ever closer, weaving in and out of the bushes and looking more like Sirius every second. At last, it reached them.  
  
"James," Sirius panted, stopping abruptly. "James, I've just remembered something. I have been a huge jerk. Could you please," he continued politely, "punch me in the head? As hard as you can should do it."  
  
James considered the matter briefly. "No," he said at last. "Don't be ridiculous."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because Madame Pomfrey can see us," James explained, looking over his shoulder at the rapidly-approaching figure of the school nurse.  
  
"Ah. Later, then," Sirius agreed. "There's another thing," he asked suddenly. "Do you know where I could find Remus?"  
  
He looked at each of his friends in turn, but they all shook their heads.  
  
"Damn," Sirius muttered, before diving into a nearby shrubbery.  
  
The others peered into the tangle of branches, but all they saw was a black tail, hanging low in shame as its owner moved off in the direction of the Forest.   
  
"Right," Madame Pomfrey gasped, appearing behind them. "Tell me now, where has Black gone? And why did that blasted boy run away in the first place?"  
  
They all turned to face her. Lily looked at James. James looked at Peter.  
  
"We don't know," Peter said.  
  
"He did say he'd just remembered something," Lily volunteered.  
  
"Perhaps he's left a cauldron on the boil," James suggested helpfully.  
  
  
  
  
  
**12:22 PM: A Secluded Glade (yet again)**  
  
  
Padfoot paused at the edge of the glade, confused. Pungent smoke was interfering with Remus' trail, pungent smoke rising from a pathetic little flowering shrub. And, there, before the burning bush stood Severus Snape, his hands folded.  
  
Sirius turned human. "Snape," he called. "Where has Remus gone?"  
  
Severus jumped, and turned towards him. "Remus?" he asked, regaining his composure. "What makes you think Remus was here?"  
  
"I have my ways of sniffing people out," Sirius replied dismissively. "Oh, do drop that whole morning-after act," he continued, as Severus bristled, cold and awkward. "I'm sorry my plan didn't work. I can Charm you now if you like, but it's got to be quick: I have to talk to Remus."  
  
"Oh, do you? Well, it's too late," Severus smirked, cheering up quite a bit. "He won't want to talk to you either, not after what I told him about last night."  
  
"And what kind of lies did you tell him?" Sirius asked. "You bastard... you didn't tell him I was crap, did you?"  
  
"Oh, I told him the truth," Severus replied evenly. "I had to -- he overheard us. Not exactly the quiet sort, were you?"  
  
"At least," Sirius replied, "my underwear was tasteful... Wait a moment!" he exclaimed, a look of horror upon his face. "Remus knows? Remus overheard us? Right after I... Damn. Damn. Triple damn. Oh-I-am-such-a-moron," he muttered achingly.  
  
"Couldn't agree more," Severus announced. "You ruined everything. I should curse you right now," he continued, twirling his wand.  
  
"I wish you would..." Sirius mumbled. "No! I couldn't trust you to do it properly -- I must find James. Oh, what WAS I thinking last night? I'd have been better off getting it on with Fang..." he moaned, turning to leave.  
  
And then, before Severus could decide on an appropriately hideous curse, he was gone.  
  
  
  
  
  
**6:33 PM: The Great Hall**  
  
  
"Where's Remus?" Lily asked. "He's missing his favourite dinner dish -- Rabbit Pie."  
  
"Maybe Sirius managed to find him at last," James suggested, digging into his salad.   
  
"Um, James," Peter asked, nibbling on some cheese, "why did Sirius want you to punch him, again?"  
  
"I don't know," James shrugged, chewing the lettuce thoughtfully. "He wouldn't say."  
  
"Which makes it even harder for me to accept that you actually did it," Lily shook her head with a sigh.  
  
"Well, he asked me to, didn't he?" James explained. "Wouldn't you punch me, if I asked you to?"  
  
"I'm not sure," Lily replied, pushing some black-eyed peas around her plate. "It would take all the fun out of it, you know."  
  
"I'll punch you anytime, James," Peter offered. "You too, Lily -- even if you are a girl."  
  
"Why, thank you, Peter," Lily replied. "True friends like you are rare indeed."  
  
"Don't look now, guys," James announced suddenly, "but Snape's staring our way again. And, yes, there IS a strange, desperate gleam in his eye."  
  
"Oh, don't you start," Lily moaned. "I couldn't cope with two Snape-watchers in our little circle."  
  
"You won't have to," James reassured her. "Sirius told me that he's all over that. I believe his exact words were 'That double-crossing git could drown in one of his own potions and I wouldn't notice.'"  
  
  
  
  
  
**7:12 PM: Slytherin Common Room**  
  
  
"Severus, what IS that smell?" Avery asked, striding over to the fireplace.  
  
"Burning wool," Severus replied, prodding the fire with a poker.  
  
Avery leaned in over the flames and squinted. "You're burning a Gryffindor scarf!" he announced, noting the gold-and-red shreds buried among the logs.  
  
"Have you considered a career in the Department of Mysteries, Avery?" Severus asked casually. "You've quite a talent for detection, you know."  
  
"Perhaps I do at that," Avery grinned. "I've just heard that Sirius Black has been confined to the Hospital Wing until Monday... So, I deduct that it is his scarf you're burning -- something to do with a little curse, perhaps?"  
  
"Avery, you surpass yourself," Severus announced. "You should reward yourself with a nice, warm cat."  
  
  
  
  
  
**7:23 PM: The Astronomy Tower**  
  
  
Sirius entered the room softly, closing the door behind him with care. "Remus?" he whispered at the familiar figure at the window.  
  
Remus turned to face him, his expression unreadable in the gloom.  
  
"Moony, I'm sorry," Sirius crossed the room to stand by his friend. "I just wanted to apologize to you for... for everything."  
  
"No need," Remus said simply. "It's fine. You were under a spell."  
  
Sirius frowned. "I was not under a spell yesterday! And I hurt you through sheer thickheadedness. Moony, I'm so sorry, so sorry I hurt you."  
  
"Don't mention it," Remus winced. "And by that I mean, stop mentioning it. Before the Charm, you were... infatuated. I understand -- I empathize with -- what you were going through."  
  
It was Sirius' turn to wince. "Oh, don't be like that. I need to, I want to make it up to you. Just tell me what I can do... Perhaps you would like to get your own back somehow?"  
  
"What?" Remus asked. "How?"  
  
"Punch me," Sirius suggested. "Kick me. Yell. Call me names; well-deserved names. Or even... just act upset. Make me face up to the consequences of my actions."  
  
"Or perhaps," Remus suggested dryly, "I should just hit you with a rolled-up newspaper and call you a bad, bad dog."  
  
"Yes, that would work," Sirius agreed. "As long as you promised to hit me really, really hard."  
  
"Sirius...." Remus sighed. "I don't want to do any of those things."  
  
"Don't you? Well, then, perhaps you could... I know," Sirius snapped his fingers. "You could take something of mine! Anything: my bomb collection, my broom, even... my motor-bike," he finished unwillingly.  
  
"I don't want any of your things, either."  
  
"Fine," Sirius sighed with relief. "Have something else then," he offered. "Like... me."  
  
Remus paused and looked his friend over, from his muddy boots to his hopeful grin. "Is that... Is that all you ever think about?" he asked at last.  
  
"What, sex? No," Sirius replied evenly. "Sometimes I think about food."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "You probably think you're joking," he said.  
  
"Good," Sirius beamed, "Insult me. Get it out of my system. Just don't dismiss my offer so easily. After all, isn't this," he gestured at himself vaguely, "what you wanted?"  
  
"I don't know," Remus said slowly. "I never planned to approach you. I suppose that, even back then, I knew that you were not the world's best prospect."  
  
"No?" Sirius looked rather sceptical. "Many people would disagree."  
  
"Just consider this," Remus began, leaning back against the wall. "Only last night, you were utterly obsessed with Severus."  
  
"No, I wasn't!" Sirius exclaimed. "And, anyway, I am so completely over that!"  
  
"Yes, exactly," Remus agreed. "You spent one night together, and now you're over him. You tire of things, Sirius. You leave books half unread. You never even order the same drink twice, if you can help it."  
  
"Is that what's worrying you?" Sirius smiled. "Well, it shouldn't. How can I explain this?" he mused. "Look here, Moony," he began, suddenly inspired. "Severus -- let's take him as an example -- was like a light that hits your eye at night and blinds you for a while. But, then, you recover, and see that the moon is always there," he finished smugly.  
  
"Is that supposed to inspire my confidence?" Remus blinked. "Really, Sirius, with lines like that, I'm surprised you ever get laid at all."  
  
"At least I don't play hard to get when someone makes me a sincere offer," Sirius countered.  
  
"I am NOT playing hard to get," Remus explained gently.  
  
"You're not?" Sirius asked. "Then why... Oh, I see. You're turning me down." He stood there in silence for a moment, astonished at both the refusal and at his own keen disappointment. He was just considering how best to plead his case, when he was struck by a sudden thought.  
  
As Remus' friend, he was rather appalled by the idea of someone like himself becoming Remus' lover.  
  
"We're... we're friends, though, right?" he asked, surprised by his own hoarse voice.  
  
"Oh, yes. I hope so," Remus replied.  
  
  
  
  
  
**7:55 PM: Hospital Wing**  
  
  
"Do you really expect me to believe," Madame Pomfrey fumed, "that you cast that Memory Charm on yourself?"  
  
Leaning back against his pillows, Sirius considered the question. "No," he said at last, "I don't really expect you to believe anything I say, not since the False Leprosy Incident. But you might feel better about my story if you remember how, when I was first escaping, I tried to punch myself in the face. That's along the same lines, isn't it?"  
  
Madame Pomfrey looked him over suspiciously, but his black eye and split lip, in spite of giving him an untrustworthy appearance, seemed to support his story.  
  
"And why would you attack yourself, child?" she asked.  
  
"Because... because I AM such a child," Sirius said with sudden bitterness. "Because I am an immature, self-centered brat with no self-control and the attention span of a gnat."  
  
Madame Pomfrey was a little taken aback by this unexpected flash of insight. "You'll grow up soon enough, Sirius Black," she said at last. "There's dark times coming."  
  
"Oh, do you really think so?" Sirius asked happily.  
  
Madame Pomfrey raised her eyes to heaven. "I'm keeping you in for observation," she announced, before walking off indignantly.  
  
The moment she was out of the ward, Sirius sat up with a grin, scooting towards the foot of the bed. Once there, he grabbed his bed-chart and ripped off the top sheet of parchment. Placing this upon his knees, he started to write:  
  
_Remus,  
  
Medical opinion has it that even I will grow up someday. I am hereby warning you: One of these days, I'll be able to act maturely and appreciate you as you deserve._  
  
After signing off, Sirius sat back to imagine this golden future in greater detail. "Actually," he muttered to himself, happily, "I can feel myself, er, growing up already."  
  
So, he added a postscript:  
  
_PS: I offered you several things today. Should you suddenly wish to accept one of my offers, I will gladly oblige you, even in my current immature state._  
------   
Well, that was that. Sirius folded his note, feeling pleased with himself and reasonably optimistic.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**THE END**  
  
  
**Suggestion:** I welcome reviews, particularly constructive criticism. Did you find the ending emotionally satisfying? Were you ever more confused than you wanted to be? I'd love to know.  
**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  



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